So here's the opening to my Christmas movie. I don't usually toot my own horn but I think I have the beginning of a real classic. This is like It's a Wonderful Life meets a unicorn parade.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
It's Christmas Eve. The hands of the grandfather clock move to 2:34. Outside the hoar frosted window, the snow falls gently on white lawns and houses. The Christmas tree blinks softly and beneath it are dozens of brightly wrapped gifts. CHARLES MCKINLEY comes down the stairs, rubbing one of his eyes, and holding a tricycle with a bow. In a dark corner of the room, we see the glow of a pipe. And in that glow, we see Santa Claus, resting in an armchair, smoking a pipe.
CHARLES
Santa! What in the name of..Christmas are you doing here?
Santa! What in the name of..Christmas are you doing here?
SANTA
I'm here for you, Charles. We have some holiday business.
CHARLES
This is really you, right? I mean, I'm not about to get rape murdered by a mall santa?
SANTA
No, Charles. You have a been a good boy.
As Santa says this, he puts away his pipe and reaches for some cookies on the plate with the "For Santa" card on it.
CHARLES
That inflection was weird. I'm still a little unsure.
SANTA
Consider yourself safe, Charles. 1 to 10, how's your Santa knowledge? Would you stay standard American?
CHARLES
I might have to bone up but yeah. Kris Kringle, North Pole Residence, Sleigh and Reindeer?
SANTA
Yeah. Not bad. And you know that Santa knows who's good and who's bad, right? That he has this demigod power to judge all the people of the earth according to a simple black or white model of justice?
CHARLES
Yeah, but I never really believed...
SANTA
In what? Me? The Jolly Elf? Well, holy Blitzen, here I am. And if I'm here, I must have that crazy power.
Santa grabs the glass of milk and downs it. When he looks back at Charles, his mustache is covered in frothy moo juice.
SANTA
I can see inside your soul, Charles.
CHARLES
So why are you talking to me? I appreciate it. Despite the fact that my world real vs myth cosmology is super out of whack now...
SANTA
Oh, it's weirder than you think. Sasquatch is real. We're buddies. Tooth fairy is real. She's a space demon. I've been trying to kill that #$%@& for years...
CHARLES
Stop! I don't want to know this. Why are you here?
SANTA
Charles, I know who's good, right? And to those people I give presents. Do you know what I give to who's bad?
CHARLES
Coal, right?
SANTA
Damn straight.
Santa pulls out a giant all black Magnum 357 pistol from his bag of presents. Etched into the handle in fancy silver cursive it reads "COAL".
SANTA
You see, Charles, I took over this Santa gig about 70 years ago, there's a longer lifespan perk, don't worry about it, and since then I have executed the wicked with extreme prejudice. I've done things...
Santa shudders. He spins the chamber nervously. Takes a bullet out. It's clear and sparkles red and green.
CHARLES
I never knew. I just thought Santa was all elves and ho, ho, ho.
SANTA
That's where you come in, Charles. I admired your work in Delta Force. You have a good heart but you were still a murder machine out there. So I'm here to offer you a job. As the new Santa.
CHARLES
What? I couldn't. I have a family. And my job.
SANTA
Well, if you won't do it for Santa, will you do it for your Commander-in-Chief? Look closely.
Charles looks intently at Santa's face. The camera pulls in closer.
CHARLES
FDR?! But you died...70 years ago...
SANTA
Nope. I just got a new New Deal.
Generic 80's butt rock music plays. Title screen: Spelled out in candy cane letters: SANTA'S SLAY. Blood drips off the candy canes.
amazing. really. i need a new christmas movie and i can tell that this is it.
ReplyDeleteOMG. I would watch this on repeat 8 million times.
ReplyDelete