Robert Pattinson Gets Consoled by His British Buds

(I tried to write about the Women's Gymnastics finals but it was too exciting.  Too much to process. Valerie covers it quite awesomely. I'm just taking a break from my Olympic coverage to report on another big news story.  One that affects all of us. And yeah, I drew that 'A'.  With freaking Microsoft Paint.)

RPATTZ'S MATES TRY TO CHEER HIM UP AFTER KSTEW CHEAT/DUMPS HIM

SCENE: A British pub about 3:00 pm

Robert Pattinson is sitting with his best mates, DANIEL RADCLIFFE, PRINCE HARRY, and BONO.  Robby is totally blitzo.  Bono won't take off his stupid glasses.

RPATTZ

I mean, what happened?  I thought we were in secret love.

DANIEL

She's a slag, Rob-o.  And American.  I don't know which one's worst.  I should cast a spell on her.

PRINCE HARRY

You're not a real wizard, Dan.  Just like I'm not going to be a real king.

BONO

I'm the king of my mind.

RPATTZ

I freaking loved her. I loved her twitchy face. I loved her limp, seaweed hair.  I loved her "acting".

DANIEL

I felt the same way about Hermione.  I really thought we were going to get together.  Then stupid J.K. wrote it weird.  She got with some ginger.

PRINCE HARRY

Chicks.  My bro Willy was supposed to hook me up with Kate's sis but Kate thought it would be "wacko". She kept saying there's already too much "incest" with the royals.  We're going to get "double heads" and "gills" and "lots of butts". 

BONO

Didn't she become a vampire for you?

DANIEL

Shut up, Bono. I'm not caught up.

RPATTZ

Yeah.  And I feel like the story of the Twilight series paralleled our love story.  We were unknown, wandering in a dark forest of anonymity but we found each other.  And then the hard bodied, thick necked Taylor Lautners of the media tried to wedge us apart.  But we persevered with our weird, angry love.

PRINCE HARRY

Have you seen that director?  He's not even as attractive as you.  He's the Prince William to me.

BONO

I named The Edge.  His real name is Larry.  My real name is Madame Ovary.

DANIEL

My real name is Harry Potter.

RPATTZ

You're not a wizard, Danny.  And I'm not a vampire.  It's fiction.  We are actors.  I stopped a fake van and fought a fake Dakota Fanning.

DANIEL

I'm the real Harry Potter!  JK created me with her mind powers!

BONO

Maybe she created all of us, Robbie.  Maybe we're all just pages in a book.  She moves in mysterious ways.

PRINCE HARRY

If I'm in a book, why am I such a crappy Prince?  How come William gets all the girls?  And I'm not a vampire or a wizard or even a begoggled rock star!

BONO

These are prescription.  From my rocktometrist.

RPATTZ

At least I'm beloved by millions.  I could laid like bonkers if I wanted to.  You're dead to me, Krissy-bear. 

DANIEL
That's the spirit.  Now let's go kill Ron Weasley.  

(Annie Howington, this was mostly for you.)