Olympics! Day 3 - Why I Hate Tennis and Work is Interfering with My Patriotism

SPORT REPORT

Tennis is for White People

So I tried to watch Tennis this morning before I went to work.  Andy Roddick was playing.  When I turned it on he wasn't doing anything.  He just kept wiping off his brow and checking different tennis balls.  It went on for at least two minutes.  And the whole while the announcer was telling the other announcer some story about him and Roddick driving some car with his model babe Brooklyn.  The camera would keep panning back to the other player who was ready to play.  Who looked nervous (Roddick was trouncing him) and kept shifting back and forth while Roddick kept motioning the towel girl over so he could wipe his brow.

I think that moment has finally solidified my hate for tennis.

Listen, I'm annoyingly pinkoish sometimes, I know.  I'm a classicist.  But hear me out.  Tennis is such a rich kid sport.  So many other sports require so little.  Soccer is just a ball.  It can be played anywhere.  But tennis requires a special ball, a special racquet, a special court with a special net.  And then it requires special friends with special trust funds that have special yachts that take you to special islands that house special bomb shelters that will one day protect the specials from special nukes.  But thankfully, there will be a special bunker for the ball boys and girls, too.

It's fine.  You can like it.  Not every sport has to be some egalitarian poor man's sport.  And hey, I know really, these days, none of them are. Every sport is dominated by millionaires.  Oliver Twist isn't going to be a designated hitter.  But I just can't do tennis.  It's too blatant.  They might as well just wear clothes made out of money and hit around gold bullion.

You suck, Andy Roddick, go drink some spring water, you blue blood.  Federer? You seem okay.

SPECIAL OLYMPIC MATTER TO DISCUSS

Work is Getting in the Way of My Patriotism

What's with work?  And why is it interfering with the Olympics?  Shouldn't this be like a world holiday?  We should be at home, supporting our athletes.  I have lots of red,white, and blue foods to eat.  I need the time to use my athletic inspiration towards working out.  I'm getting fatter because I'm anxious eating.  Chocolate. That's what you make me eat, Men's Gymnastic Team.  Chocolate bars.  I'm typing this as I'm watching the Men's team.

It's too much.  I can't think.  I'm too nervous for them.  How can I work tomorrow?  I spent this whole morning being upset about Jordyn Wieber.  If the men don't do it, I'll punch a Chinese gymnast.  The first Chinese gymnast I see on the street tomorrow gets a clobber.

It's the World's Stage.  We have to watch this together.  The world should stop and we should join together in the brotherhood of sport.

Oh, man. ENGLAND JUST GOT THE BRONZE OR SILVER I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON!  They are so excited.  The crowd is so pumped!  I love the Olympics!

Sorry, US guys.  I have to go to bed. I can't take this.