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| The look of two lunatics loose in our society. |
CURIOUS GEORGE
A Review by: James Best, full-time parent and part-time man
THE LIVING SITUATION
Anyone else feel hinkey about this? Here’s a bachelor, a grown man, living with a
very affectionate monkey in a swanky old Manhattan highrise. No one’s calling Animal Control on this
dude? People are just like, “That’s
cool. Just a man and his monkey.” Nope. It's weird. Hinkey with a capital hink.
And their pad? The highrise plus the home in the country? What kind of
bills is he pulling down? I never see
him go to work. And whatever “job”
Yellow Hat is working at has pretty loose hours. Plenty of time for chasing that
primate around and hitting their upstate vacation property. What is this? The How The Other Half Lives
Half Hour? The Adventures of the Well Off Monkey
and His All Yellow Sugardaddy?
I’m not saying I need a working class kids show but this
opulence is offensive to most middle class kids. George spends half his time
palling around with the doorman and his snooty purebred wiener dog and the
other half hanging out with these Gold Coaster snobs in vacation town. The kids watching this show are grubbing up
their Osh Kosh’s with Kraft Mac N Cheese.
This is putting undue pressure on their parents to provide a Curious
George standard of living.
“My Rich Monkey Life” is going to become new slang. You saw it here first.
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| Obviously, his hat doubles as a flotation device. |
THE YELLOW OUTFIT
What’s the deal with the clothes? Is he a Safari guide? Is he giving Safari tours in New York? Is it a religious outfit? I have no clue why this bozo keeps wearing
this one color ensemble everywhere.
Let’s say he was a Safari guide/hunter. Like that was his past job. Give it up, man. It’s like he’s wearing his letterman’s jacket
everywhere. Dude, high school/Africa is
over. Take it off. Put on some khakis already because that’s
what lame dudes wear. You caught a
monkey in Africa. And you got it past customs.
Wow. We’re all impressed.
How does he get that hat through doors? What’s under that hat? Is he a Conehead? Does he want to look
taller? Is it grafted into his skull? Is it a living fungus he picked up in
Swaziland? Is it a symbol of occult
power? I’m afraid there’s no
explanation. The Yellow Hat is like
Stonehenge.
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| You're going to die, Yellow Hat. |
THE MONKEY IN THE ROOM
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| Ooh-ooh, burying the bodies. |
Okay, so Yellow Hat can sort of speak to George and George
has a more than rudimentary understanding of the English language. This pimp-suited Jane Goodall is missing how
important his discovery is. This monkey
is freaking amazing. If hat for brains
was smart, he’d be making money off his super monkey. But he’s stupid. And he lets him wander New York and causes
ruckuses.
But here’s the thing about monkeys. They’re crazy strong. And they’re also prone
to get crazy. That dude is endangering
himself. George has no tail which
probably means he’s a chimpanzee. And a
quick study shows chimps are about four to eight times as strong as a human.
That means he can rip off human limbs.
George could snap from curious to primal in enough time it takes him to
tear off his
owner’s yellow clad arms and beat him to death with them.
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| I call my arms my 'Dismemberment Plan'. |
And this curiosity excuse is bullcrap. It’s just reckless endangerment. That monkey is free on the streets. And it’s not cute. It’s frightening. George is a one man Planet of the Apes
uprising. He could be running around,
ripping off arms, stealing street meats, ripping off legs, hurting zoo
attendance, ripping off arm/leg combos, making monkeys less funny and more
pants pooping terrifying.
OVERALL
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| We're cuh-razy! |
Yeah, this show is cute and all. And George’s monkey sounds are sort of
endearing. But his grasp of language is
outrageous, like let's put him in a lab and study this super monkey outrageous. And I stand by my danger monkey theory. That monkey is going to snap and when he does limbs will snap, too. If this got even a tiny bit realistic, cops
would be gunning George down in Central Park.
And PETA would weep dairy-free tears.
