Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The Debate I Wish Had Happened
MODERATOR: President and Governor, could you tell us what you are going to do about the dolphins?
OBAMA: Did you say dolphins?
ROMNEY: The Miami Dolphins?
OBAMA: Doll fins? You want to put fins on dolls?
ROMNEY: Dolph Lundgren? The celebrated action star?
OBAMA: Ralph Kramden? Of the Honeymooners?
ROMNEY: Calf ramming? The practice of using baby cows to knock down medieval doors?
OBAMA: Raft planning? The practice of making blueprints for river vessels?
ROMNEY: Draft banning? The idea of cancelling the NFL Draft in favor of a Royal Rumble to determine team placement?
OBAMA: Laugh canning? The idea that a laugh can exist inside a can and can be saved for another time to lighten your soul with a stale yet real laugh?
MODERATOR: I feel like you're both skirting the question. We know about the dolphins.
ROMNEY: (breaks into tears)
OBAMA: (rends clothes)
ROMNEY + OBAMA: We're sorry, America. We tried to keep you from this awful reality.
ROMNEY: Only those in higher positions have been briefed on this developing crisis.
OBAMA: Dolphins are not your friends. I repeat, NOT YOUR AMIGOS.
ROMNEY: Do not invite them over for brunch. No matter how much they text you about it.
OBAMA: Do not let them babysit your kids. Even if they promise them dolphin rides.
OBAMA + ROMNEY: Dolphins will not do your taxes. They will do them. But not correctly. On purpose.
MODERATOR: Oh, is that so?
Suddenly, the Moderator rips off her human skin and it turns out she is a killer dolphin!
ROMNEY: I knew it! I smelled the brine on you!
OBAMA: Mitt, you know what we have to do.
ROMNEY: I'll hate it as much as you. But I agree.
OBAMA + ROMNEY: Bi-Partisan Powers!
Obama and Romney both leap into the air and smash into one super political giant: MITTROCK OBAMNEY!
MITTROCK OBAMNEY: (in a sexy robot voice) Get ready for left and right wing attacks!
The dolphin tries to slow him down with water from his blowhole but Mittrock Obamney comes in with left and right judo chops! The dolphin gets sent sky-high. Minutes later, the International Space Station hears a dolphin sized klank.
MITTROCK OBAMNEY: How do we uncombine? Oh no. The blowhole water shorted out our switch. Guess we'll have to get Paul and Joe to form up.
Mittrock grabs his expensive lapels and laughs. Politically.
NEXT DEBATE: Paulseph Ryden debates his superself!