Half Remembered Lines from Fights with Actual Ex-Girlfriends

Invariably, some of these will make me look like I was a jerk.  But let's be honest, I was in my teens and early twenties and a lot of us act like jerks then.  And I had a lot of girlfriends and they all had to be broken up with so I could marry Val.  Most of these I kind of half-remember so the gist of the line is there.  For all my work with words, you'd think I'd be better at speaking but I usually end up backpedaling out of the thing I just said.  

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Listen, I’m sorry I can’t take Felicity seriously.  It’s a My So Called Life ripoff and her best friend is the Pink Power Ranger!  I’m sorry I kept screaming “Pterodactyl!” every time she came on the screen.  But that’s what she says in the ACTUAL POWER RANGERS SHOW!

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No, I don’t want to try weed.  I’m sort of into my brain.

~

You don’t want to introduce me to your parents.  They’re going to smell liberal pinko loser writer all over me.

(PAUSE, LISTEN TO RESPONSE)

You already told me he has a concealed weapon permit. Why wouldn’t I be afraid?

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I didn’t open your car door because I assumed your legs weren’t broken.  And you aren’t wearing four-inch heels and a slinky dress.

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We’re breaking up because that’s what people do.  Get married or break up.

(HER RESPONSE)

Yes. I guess I just said I don't want to marry you.

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Fine!  Go back to your old boyfriend.  I hope you like bald dudes because that hairline is disappearing like the rainforest.

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No, I’m not going to buy you cigarettes.  I’m going to make out with you later.

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Excuse me? I need to change my dream job because I won’t be making enough money for us?!

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I said I like DANCING.  Not LINE DANCING.

~ 

It’s not me, it’s you.  Uh. That came out backwards.  I don’t even know why I’m saying that.  It’s so cliché.  Listen, breaking up is cliché.  I suck at this.  I’m sorry.  There’s no easy way to do this.  Would you rather break up with me?

~ 

Well, you’re a real bruiser out there on the soccer field.

(HER RESPONSE)

Yes. I’m semi-afraid of you.

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You can’t just keep my license because you think it’s cute.  I need it for driving.  For law abiding.

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Now go into your house and bring me back my favorite shirt.  This was not a divorce.  You don’t get to keep half my stuff.

~ 

I dooooon’t waaaaaaaaant to tryyyyyyyy weeeeeeed.