When I arrived at Lowe’s last night to pick up some lumber
for a bookcase, I realized to my dismay that I was wearing a pink shirt. And apparently, the guy who was about to cut
my 2 by 10 noticed it as well. Or else
he just likes to smirk. In parallel universes,
these are how our conversations went.
POSSIBILITY #1
PINKSHIRTED ME
Hey, I need a 2 by 10
by…
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Nice pink shirt, Pink
Shirt.
PINKSHIRTED ME
Yeah, I got it from
your Mom. Burn, Big Man.
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Hold on. If you’re
wearing my Mom’s shirt, what happened to your shirt? Was it lost during a night
of lovemaking? Is she keeping it as lover ransom? And why does it fit you so
well? Are you implying my Mom is the same shirt size as you? Should that hurt
my feelings or make me proud? More importantly, why are you dating a woman with
a similar body type? Do you want to be able to switch shirts often? I'm questioning your commitment to my Men's Medium sized Mom.
PINKSHIRTED ME
No. Your mom is…a
body type.
POSSIBILITY #2
PINKSHIRTED ME
Hey, where can I find
a 2 by 10 by…
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
It’s so refreshing to
have a gay man in here.
PINKSHIRTED ME
(outraged)
This isn’t an 80’s
movie where a pink shirt and pronounced lisp signaled I was gay and prone to
say outrageous things…
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
…because Lowe’s is
trying to change their image to gay friendly…
PINKSHIRTED ME
Which is admirable
but it’s just a pink shirt…
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
So we were told that today only we could give any gay person coming through those doors anything they want in the
store.
PINKSHIRTED ME
(pause)
Anything?
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Anything.
PINKSHIRTED ME
(with an outrageous
lisp)
Well, butter my chaps
and call me the Country Crock Cowboy, I’m going to need your most expensive
shower and fanciest fridge unit. And do
you sell backhoes? Because I’ll need two in mauve.
POSSIBILITY #3
PINKSHIRTED ME
Can you help me find
a 2 by 10 by…
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Nice red shirt.
PINKSHIRTED ME
It’s pink, okay?
Don’t patronize me. I know nothing
softer than flannel has ever touched your torso. I’m sorry I don’t belong here
in Lowe’s. I’m sorry I went to poetry
school and I’m sorry I don’t smell like Nascar and frito pie. It’s a PINK SHIRT, buddy. Okay?
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Is it pink? I’d love
to see pink for once in my life. But I’m blind.
Color blind.
PINKSHIRTED ME
Oh. Crap. I didn’t
know. How bad is it?
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Bad. All I see are
Red and Green. The world is eternal Christmas to me.
PINKSHIRTED ME
Well, that sounds
magical-
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
It isn’t. It’s
Buttsville. And no one respects the
Color Blind. Oh sure, everyone loves the Blind. They give them special sticks. Sticks that say, “Here I am. I’m disabled!”
But not the Color Blind. I could wade
into the ocean, which looks like blood to me, and be totally oblivious if it
turned into ACTUAL BLOOD.
PINKSHIRTED ME
But what’s the
possibility of that-
MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Get out of here, Pink
Shirt! Cherish your rods and cones! I’m
going to drive home now and see only Stop and Go. I’ll never see yellow. I’ll never know Caution in this life!
I like this post a lot. I also like the fact that you used "Gay Backhoes" as one of the labels for it.
ReplyDeleteI finished it. The whole thing. Worth every moment.
ReplyDeleteButtsville.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I couldn't get past the idea of you being able to make a bookshelf that came from a piece of lumber. I'm pretty sure this actually happened at ikea or target and the experience in lowes happened in your imagination when you drove by lowes--you were wearing a pink shirt and again knew that it was not the store for you. Much love as always.
ReplyDeletehii
ReplyDelete