Friday, January 18, 2013

Possible Futures at Lowe's While I Was Wearing My Pink Shirt




When I arrived at Lowe’s last night to pick up some lumber for a bookcase, I realized to my dismay that I was wearing a pink shirt.  And apparently, the guy who was about to cut my 2 by 10 noticed it as well.  Or else he just likes to smirk.  In parallel universes, these are how our conversations went.

POSSIBILITY #1

PINKSHIRTED ME
Hey, I need a 2 by 10 by…

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Nice pink shirt, Pink Shirt.

PINKSHIRTED ME
Yeah, I got it from your Mom. Burn, Big Man.

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Hold on. If you’re wearing my Mom’s shirt, what happened to your shirt? Was it lost during a night of lovemaking? Is she keeping it as lover ransom? And why does it fit you so well? Are you implying my Mom is the same shirt size as you? Should that hurt my feelings or make me proud? More importantly, why are you dating a woman with a similar body type? Do you want to be able to switch shirts often? I'm questioning your commitment to my Men's Medium sized Mom.

PINKSHIRTED ME
No. Your mom is…a body type.

POSSIBILITY #2

PINKSHIRTED ME
Hey, where can I find a 2 by 10 by…

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
It’s so refreshing to have a gay man in here.

PINKSHIRTED ME
(outraged)
This isn’t an 80’s movie where a pink shirt and pronounced lisp signaled I was gay and prone to say outrageous things…

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
…because Lowe’s is trying to change their image to gay friendly…

PINKSHIRTED ME
Which is admirable but it’s just a pink shirt…

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
So we were told that today only we could give any gay person coming through those doors anything they want in the store.

PINKSHIRTED ME
(pause)
Anything?

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Anything.

PINKSHIRTED ME
(with an outrageous lisp)
Well, butter my chaps and call me the Country Crock Cowboy, I’m going to need your most expensive shower and fanciest fridge unit.  And do you sell backhoes? Because I’ll need two in mauve.

POSSIBILITY #3

PINKSHIRTED ME
Can you help me find a 2 by 10 by…

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Nice red shirt.

PINKSHIRTED ME
It’s pink, okay? Don’t patronize me.  I know nothing softer than flannel has ever touched your torso. I’m sorry I don’t belong here in Lowe’s.  I’m sorry I went to poetry school and I’m sorry I don’t smell like Nascar and frito pie.  It’s a PINK SHIRT, buddy. Okay?

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Is it pink? I’d love to see pink for once in my life. But I’m blind.  Color blind.

PINKSHIRTED ME
Oh. Crap. I didn’t know. How bad is it?

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Bad. All I see are Red and Green. The world is eternal Christmas to me.

PINKSHIRTED ME
Well, that sounds magical-

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
It isn’t. It’s Buttsville.  And no one respects the Color Blind. Oh sure, everyone loves the Blind. They give them special sticks.  Sticks that say, “Here I am. I’m disabled!” But not the Color Blind.  I could wade into the ocean, which looks like blood to me, and be totally oblivious if it turned into ACTUAL BLOOD.

PINKSHIRTED ME
But what’s the possibility of that-

MANLY LOWE’S EMPLOYEE
Get out of here, Pink Shirt! Cherish your rods and cones!  I’m going to drive home now and see only Stop and Go.  I’ll never see yellow.  I’ll never know Caution in this life!