Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Application for Hooters Waitress as Filled Out By a Doctoral Student




OFFICIAL HOOTERS APPLICATION FOR "WAITRESS"

NAME:  Cynthia Tamboor

POSSIBLE HOOTERS NICKNAME:  Um, Bobcat.  Maybe Tam-Tams if you need something degrading.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:  2010-2013 – Adjunct Professor of Composition/Literature, 2008-2010 – Peace Corps, 2005-2008 – Junior Copywriter for Ad Agency

BOOB JOB(S)? No

SCHOOLING:  Currently a PhD student

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, HOW MUCH DO YOU OPPOSE BEING OBJECTIFIED?  I’m here, so I guess a 4.

PREVIOUS RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE:  I was a waiter at my Mom’s restaurant when I was a teenager.

PREVIOUS BOOBCENTRIC RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE:  It was called The Mermaid so it could count.  We had shells on our shirt fronts.

HAVE YOU EVER FLOUNCED?  Not intentionally.

DO YOU HAVE ANY BACK PROBLEMS THAT WOULD PRECLUDE YOU FROM FLOUNCING?  Not that I know of.

IF YOU ACTUALLY KNEW THE WORD “FLOUNCE” YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN WE HIRE.  WOULD YOU CONSIDER A MANAGEMENT POSITION?   Sure.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT A STRIP JOINT? (WINK.)  What is that wink for?  Are you saying it is?  I don’t get it.  Do we strip afterhours?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT? (DOUBLE WINK.)  Stop doing that.  And it’s not a family restaurant.  It’s a place for Creepy Stepdads to take their stepsons whom they’re trying to impress and be like, “Hey, Stepson, I’m a cool guy. We can bond about women’s gazoombas.  And when you’ll get older, I’ll buy you a beer.  Because I’m awful.”

PLEASE LIST ANY SPECIAL SKILLS:  Writing. Analysis.  Microsoft Suite.  Plus, I can spot a perv from like a hundred yards.

PLEASE TELL US IN A HUNDRED WORDS OR LESS, YOU DON’T REALLY HAVE TO COUNT BECAUSE WE CAN’T EITHER, WHY YOU WANT TO WORK AT HOOTERS?

Well, I don’t.  I can’t start teaching in my PhD program until my second year and I just need anything right now.  But here’s the clincher.  I know this is a college town and you can get any large chested, small-brained sorority ho to do this job.  But I have smarts and if you give me this job, I’ll be running this place in a month.  And it’ll be the best run bimbo palace this side of Solomon’s Harem.  I’m a little more drunk pretty than I like to admit but I swallow my shame real good and if you can liquor me up into my bad judgment zone every shift I will flirt like my butt’s on fire.

SIGN HERE THAT ALL THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND THAT YOU WON’T SUE US BECAUSE BUTT SLAPS AND PSYCHO STARES ARE REALLY WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR HERE AT HOOTERS:

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