Here's another collection of dumb things I've said. All of these probably should have resulted in a flurry of fists into my beautiful face. Luckily, to this day I have never been punched in the face. Here's some examples:
At a Collegiate Football Game:
It’s a freaking football game! You’re cheering because an actual person on the other team got hurt? You’re all monsters! And so are your moms for making you!
After a Very Nice Older Gentleman Bought Me a Milkshake After I Misunderstood His Attention:
I’m sorry, sir. I thank you for the milkshake and I’m sorry I’m not gay for you.
To a Guy at a Party:
Well, she didn’t tell me she was your girlfriend unless she whispered it into my mouth.
To an Idiot Who Asked Me For a Cigarette After He Made Fun of My Shirt:
No, thanks. I don’t smoke. I don’t eat my own crap either.
In High School, After Some Roided Up Moron Pushed Me In the Hallway:
I would fight you but I just washed my hands and I don’t know where you’ve been.
At a Comedy Show Where Some Jock Heckled Me:
Please. Tell me more about your Business degree. I wasn’t sure how superficial you are.
To a Companion On My Mission Who Got Mad at Me:
Say one more dumb thing to me and I’ll punt you back to Eastern Europe.
To a Security Guard at a Beastie Boys Concert Who Ejected Me By Twisting My Arm and Nipple:
Thanks, Big Guy. If you want to twist my other nipple later, I’ll be at the Holiday Inn. Room number 1-0-Go-to-Hell.
To the Guy Who Tried to Fight Me at Subway:
I’m going to sit down now. Your sub is so much bigger than mine and I feel like this whole fight would just be about our sandwich envy.