Things I've Said That Should Have Gotten Me Punched

Here's another collection of dumb things I've said.  All of these probably should have resulted in a flurry of fists into my beautiful face.  Luckily, to this day I have never been punched in the face.  Here's some examples:

At a Collegiate Football Game:

It’s a freaking football game! You’re cheering because an actual person on the other team got hurt?  You’re all monsters!  And so are your moms for making you!

After a Very Nice Older Gentleman Bought Me a Milkshake After I Misunderstood His Attention:

I’m sorry, sir.  I thank you for the milkshake and I’m sorry I’m not gay for you.

To a Guy at a Party:

Well, she didn’t tell me she was your girlfriend unless she whispered it into my mouth.

To an Idiot Who Asked Me For a Cigarette After He Made Fun of My Shirt:

No, thanks.  I don’t smoke.  I don’t eat my own crap either.

In High School, After Some Roided Up Moron Pushed Me In the Hallway:

I would fight you but I just washed my hands and I don’t know where you’ve been.

At a Comedy Show Where Some Jock Heckled Me:

Please.  Tell me more about your Business degree.  I wasn’t sure how superficial you are.

To a Companion On My Mission Who Got Mad at Me:

Say one more dumb thing to me and I’ll punt you back to Eastern Europe.

To a Security Guard at a Beastie Boys Concert Who Ejected Me By Twisting My Arm and Nipple:

Thanks, Big Guy.  If you want to twist my other nipple later, I’ll be at the Holiday Inn. Room number 1-0-Go-to-Hell.

To the Guy Who Tried to Fight Me at Subway:

I’m going to sit down now.  Your sub is so much bigger than mine and I feel like this whole fight would just be about our sandwich envy.