ABLOGABOUTUS.COM

This was the most obnoxious picture I found when I googled "A Beautiful Couple in Love". Gag.

DISCLAIMER

I’m a big fan of A Blog About Love and Mara and Danny who write it.  They’re personal friends and I would never make fun of them.   They truly care about the people who write in and follow the blog.

But I mentioned to Mara once that their blog is so great but in the wrong hands, specifically run by egotistical sadists, it could do a lot of damage.  So I told her I would write the most opposite version of them and their blog.

This is my take on that.  Remember, it’s not parody.  It’s satire.

LARA & MANNY PEEL THE SKIN OFF THEIR HEARTS FOR YOU

Hello. It’s Us talking about Us.  And I always capitalize Us because I just want to differentiate between other people’s regular us status. We’re a special Us.

Now I know what you’re thinking.  How can we be like you two?  Well, it’s impossible. We’re like snowflakes made of a rare metal only governments know about.  But here’s some ways to get into Lara and Manny Country (also known as LarMania) even if you’ll never be allowed inside our city-state.

WRITE THE MOST HEARFTFELT NOTES TO EACH OTHER

Our DUMBO loft is smattered in them.  We’re always leaving each other handstamped or woodblocked notes such as:

I want to wear your skin and be you for a day.

I would walk through a Holocaust for you.

Our pasts are awesome messes and I’m so glad everything sucked first.

When we die, let’s die at the same time, preferably in a tsunami.

HAVE A BLOG WHERE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES ARE WORSE THAN YOURS SEND YOU PERSONAL CRAP ABOUT THEMSELVES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER

It’s therapeutic.  I highly recommend it.  I get letters like this sometimes.

Dear Lara & Manny,

Your stories of divorce and healing really affect me.  I had to leave my husband recently because I found out he’s a double agent for North Korea and I’m afraid I’ll be politically assassinated.  It was hard leaving him and going into hiding but one of the things I do to get over my fear is read your blog.  Bless you!

Wendy (my witness protection name)

Wow, “Wendy”. I’m crying just thinking about all I had to go through to help you.  Apparently, by your postmark of Pima, Arizona, your spy husband will have a hard time finding you and spy-murdering you.  Oops.  Should I keep that info off here?  Well, I can’t.  I never delete. It feels like I’m not owning my mistakes.

BE A BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELF ONLINE THAN YOU ARE

You know I’m a truth dealer.  I’m a truth machine gun.  If I have a truth inside me, I spit it out through my fingers' truthtips.  I’ll will reveal everything about me no matter how personal or damaging or medically gross it is.

I’ve got so much truth inside me, I’m about to get real real on you.  Everything I've written online is a lie. I’m totally lying to you. I don’t really care about any of you.  I only care about the royal Us which is partially true because I mostly love me and the idea of Manny.

Heck, I fill my emptiness at the cup of your misery.  Readers, I’m a sucker for your suck lives.  I need to see the chasm of your unhappiness so I don’t get vertigo and fall into mine.

And sorry about all the pseudo-bullcrap I preach to you. Remember “Eat Your Love”? That put a lot of pounds on people.  And remember “Make Your Life a Romantic Comedy”? Well, I didn’t specify which one.  I’m sorry if you thought I meant a Kate Hudson one.  I didn’t.

~~~~~

Whew, that’s enough truth telling for today.  I’m going to dial it back to truth with a lowercase ‘t’ again.  Manny and I are off to get the key to the city from the Mayor.  His wife reads my blog and sends me so much dirt. Spoiler Alert: The Mayor is totally dying.

Till next time!