Kids Shows Reviewed by an "Adult" - Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood

DANIEL TIGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD

A review by: James Best, full-time parent and part-time man

DISCLAIMER:  Let’s assume I don’t know this came from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and all the characters are homages to puppets and characters he created.  Let’s just assume I sat down having no prior knowledge and experienced this show for the first time.  As some parents probably will.

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

First off, what’s going on with the animal/human mixing in this town?  We have anthropomorphic tigers, cats, and owls and then a bunch of human royalty.  Let's just gloss over the fact that the only black man in the town doesn't even have a name.  It's just Music Man.  And then there's Mr. McFeely.

His name is Mr. Mc-Feely.  In this day and age, maybe we don’t name the Postman who hangs with the kids Mr. “Mcfeely”. (Again, I know the reference.)  Would you take your kid to a teacher named Mr. Grabs or Ms. Badtouch?  No.  The parents of this town need to get a new postman or pool their money to get his name legally changed.  Mr. McPostman would work.  Or Dave.

Now the animal people wouldn’t be bad if it was consistent.  If they were all animal people or all people people.  But the mix is off-putting.  Especially because of the varying clothing rules.  Tigers and Cats go topsies only.  Owls go buck apparently.  Do you know what is cute? Owls in swim shorts. Picture it.  And you're loving it and I'm not wrong.

Also, Daniel the tiger boy has a pet fish.  Which means there’s a weird hierarchy in the animal kingdom.  The pantless human/animal hybrids dominate the weaker non-jacket wearers.  The Tiger family are oppressors.  They're keeping the other animals down.  All their words are lies.

CRAZY TOWN

So the theme song says we’re riding along with Daniel in his make-believe world.  So is the town make-believe or is it real?  Because it’s got a lot of problems up front.

1.     ROYALTY – Prince Wednesday lives with his brother, Prince Tuesday and their ancient dad, King Friday and his lady, Queen Sara Saturday.  The only thing I can assume in this name/day progression is that there was a Princess Sunday and Monday but they’ve been exiled or beheaded.

So the town’s governed by a monarchy? That’s bullcrap. If I was a tiger family, I would eat those dudes and take over the castle.   How does that town even support a castle? There’s like five businesses.

2.     BUSINESSES - This town must exist on an outside customer base.  It’s like a tourist town. The Post Office and School are government run so basically the whole town’s economic structure is a Museum, Music Shop, and a Bakery run by a dude named Baker Aker who is obviously in the Witness Protection Program. He’s living in make believe if he doesn’t think the mob is going to track him down with a stupid name like that.

3.     TROLLEY – Have you seen the size of the town? I’ve seen dollhouses that need more public transportation.  That trolley is killing the town revenue. The King is running this place into the ground.  The Princes need to get their patricide on and get some franchises in there.  Then Daniel could have an episode trying to talk Bill the Sad Applebee’s Manager off the castle wall. It would be classic.

Yeah, it’s a great show and teaches lots of values but the elements are weird.  I always want Daniel to slash one of the Princes and yell, “You think you’re better than me?!”  And why does O the Owl live with his uncle X the Owl?  What happened to his parents?  Were they gunned down Batman style?  I hope so.  That town needs some vigilante justice.  And by “town” I mean Mr. Mcfeely.  Because that dude is the neighborhood villain.  I haven't seen the whole first season, but I'm sure that the's cliffhanger.

Secrets: Why Your Kids Like Me

I like what kids like.  That’s my secret.  That’s why your kid likes me, why I like to hang out with your kids.  Somewhere in my development, my brain stayed kid fascinated with the world.

Par exemple:

Kids like to throw rocks into water.  I like to throw rocks in water.

Kids like to smash smashable things.  I also love to smash.

Kids like to talk about being a superhero.  Me, too. Ad nauseum.

I’m not saying I’m more in touch with anything.  I don’t even know if I believe in “Inner Child” stuff.  I’m just saying that I look at a situation and I want to have the most fun out of it.  I want to make a game out of it.  I want to cut loose and not care what I look like. 

I'm not more kid than anyone else.  I'm not less world weary or cynical.  I just (and maybe everyone does, I don't know) find everyday phenomena to be a little sparkly still. I like catching fireflies and lizards.  I like a little cloudwatching. I get excited by rainstorms at night.  They get me up.  I lie on my pillow and watch the rain in the streetlights until I fall asleep again.

~*~

This is a typical walk for me and Edie. 

*** I carry her for a while, pointing out stuff. “Tree, cloud, ambulance, sign, fence, wheel, leaf, berry, weirdo.” 

*** Then I find a low stonewall for her to balance on.  And I hold her hands and we sing the “Balance Song”.  Which is a song I made up that only has one word: Balance.

*** Then we find sticks and run them along fences.  Or smash leaves or bushes with the sticks.  Sometimes we stop and just peel the bark off the sticks with our nails.  It’s particularly satisfying.

*** If there’s a dog, we stop the person and pet their dog.  We thank the person (Edie says “Thank You”, too) and then we walk away making dog noises to each other.

*** If we find some apples or berries on the ground, we stomp them with our sneakers until they’re good and mashed.

*** When we finally make it to the “greenground” (which is what Edie calls playgrounds) I chase her around the structure and we swing a little and go down slides a little.

*** Sometimes we go looking for ducks and turtles at the lake.  Edie and I quack at the ducks and, this is my favorite, we creep along the lake whispering to each other “Turtles? Where are uuuuuu?”

~*~

I’ve always liked kids.  Maybe it’s being the oldest sibling and taking care of younger kids.  If I had my druthers, I would play a lot more hide and seek.  I would throw kids in the pool all day.  I would find non-tick infested grass fields and do a lot of running with my hands out feeling the tops of the grass.

There’s a lot of danger to kids these days.  And sometimes I feel scared that people find my instinct to play with kids suspicious.  That I’m immediately suspect because it’s a crazy world and kids are more vulnerable than ever.  I understand their fear but it makes me sad.

~*~

I remember the first time I knew kids were in danger by adults was when some creep in a van was hanging out near school bus stops in Grand Rapids.  There was a warning sent around to parents. One time I got there a little early and this other girl who waited with me sometimes was there before me.  I saw the van and a guy get out of it and start walking towards the girl.

I banged on the door next to the stop, this guy who used to watch out for us, and in hindsight, was probably unemployed, his name was Hank or something, and I banged until he came out and saw the van.  And Hank grabbed a baseball bat and chased the guy to the van and beat the hell out of it until the creep pulled away.

I memorized the license plate as he drove away and I rehearsed it all day and forgot to tell it to anyone.  I hope they caught him. Sometimes I worried they didn't because I didn't give anybody the number.

~*~

I wish the world was innocent and safe for Edie.  It’s not.  So I carve out that place.  An eternal place full of dandelions to blow and trains to watch.  A place where Edie laughs so hard she has to cover her mouth because it’s too much joy to let go.  And I do it for both of us, to have a place where we can be children together.

We Take Less Pictures Together But We're More Together

So I've been noticing a recent trend in our photos.  We (which until recently meant Me and Val) have turned up in a lot less pictures together.  It's usually this new combination:  Edie and Val or Edie and James.  When I was younger I thought it was a little weird and discouraging that couples as soon as they had a baby stop being in pictures together as much.  That this baby thing has come between them.  I thought it was a sign of decreasing love between the couple.

Then I learned the secret:  Babies suck at taking pictures.  Their small motor skills are atrocious and they try to push the buttons with their mouths.  It's embarrassing.  I'm embarrassed that my child is such a luddite.

So inevitably, either me or Val have to take the picture.  And then Edie is such a narcissist she has to be in everything.  Sometimes the only way to shut her up so she'll sleep is to set up a soothing photo shoot.  Babies are the worst.  I wish we'd created an adult.  Like a Neil Patrick Harris.

This is a rough segue into a conversation I was having with a friend about Empty Nesters.  And here's the thing, before I launch into this, I don't have any advice for anyone.  This is not a life philosophy I think you should abide by.  I don't have those.  I'm a guy who makes jokes about dolphins and Robocop.

It's just I know of this couple that put their whole lives into their kids.  Which sounds noble. But when the kids were finally gone, they sank into this crazy depression.  And their health deteriorated quickly and it was just a sad sight to see.  They literally had nothing outside of their kids. And I'm baffled by this.

I wrote a post about Valerie and all the things she does.  I literally worked on four different writing projects today before noon.  And the end is nowhere in sight.  Val was writing down notes on a short film cut while Edie slept.  I was restructuring a script while she slept.

And these are just our SUMMER PLANS! I'm not saying, "Oh, look at us. We're soooooo busy.  We're sooooo great."  We're not.  But we have a life's worth of plans. How will we run out?  How could our lives get less full?

Because here's the thing. Children are a blessing.  A responsibility.  Something entrusted to you by God. (That's what Mormons believe.)  But you also have a responsibility to yourself.  To become better.  To increase.  To learn and grow and create the You you're striving for.

Valerie told me once that she didn't want to raise a daughter to believe in her dreams and aspirations when she herself gave them up.  Because what kind of message is that to her daughter?  So Valerie's goal (and she could explain it better than me) is to be the person she always dreamed of being.  And by striving for that person, her children will know it is possible and will strive to become that as well.

I want the same thing as Valerie.  I don't want to be known as their Dad.  That's part of my identity.  That's a role I've taken on.  But James Best is bigger than that.  I'm the sum of many parts.

I know that More Kids = More Time.  We only have one kid.  To bigger families, that seems like a hobby.  I know that demands grow.  But I don't think you should lose track of you.  Of identity.  Obviously, it's dangerous.

Stanley Kunitz, the poet, lived to be 99 years old.  And up until his dying day, he taught.  He had thousands of students in his lifetime.  And some of his most amazing work came in his later years.  He stayed young because he had life.  He had things to give.  He had excitement and love and warmth around him.  He had a purpose.  He knew himself.

I think I would like to end my life like Stanley Kunitz.  Surrounded by all that I've gathered.