INT. JAMES AND VAL'S BEDROOM
James and Valerie are asleep in their bed. They look dead more than at peace due to the baby sleeping in a bassinet right next to the bed. The room is dark except for the street lights. Between James and the window is a shadow. A shadow of a giant ten gallon hat with arms and legs. One of the arms touches James.
ARBY
James, wake up.
JAMES
(groggily)
Who in the name of crap...
ARBY
It's me. I found you. It's been a couple of years, huh?
JAMES
Arby? Is that you? You smell like a meat slicer.
ARBY
Yeah, that's my permanent smell now. I'm very popular with wild dogs.
JAMES
(yawning)
I'm sorry I haven't called or written. I've just been in New York and...
ARBY
I know. I KNOW. They have ALL the other fast food chains. But my roast beefyness? Absent. My bbq saucitude? Nowhere to be tasted.
JAMES
Could we do this tomorrow? I'm pretty tired.
ARBY
No, James. No we cannot, James. Did Vesuvius wait? No. Did AIDS wait? No. Did the meteor wait until the perfect time to cause an ice age? No.
JAMES
Why are you comparing us to AIDS? And are you comparing my hunger to AIDS or is my hunger my nervous system? I don't understand this analogy.
ARBY
Your hunger is the dinosaurs grazing in the field. And in the sky is a giant roast beef sandwich trailing behind it a fifty foot tail of Arby's sauce.
JAMES
Listen, this is unacceptable. I know we've grown apart but you can't just barge in here demanding I taste your burgers!
ARBY
THEY ARE NOT BURGERS! They are roast beef SANDWICHES! You have insulted my meat!
JAMES
Stop whisper shouting! You're going to wake up my baby.
VALERIE
James, why does it smell like a barbecued sock in here?
JAMES
Go back to sleep, baby.
VALERIE
There's a giant hat talking to you.
JAMES
You're dreaming. I hate headwear. I'd never talk to it.
VALERIE
(yawns)
That's true. Goodnight.
ARBY
She doesn't even recognize me.
JAMES
We're different people now, Arby. We enjoy Thai food. We eat a lot of pie. We eat at places labeled "Fusion". Maybe it's time we part...what the crap was that?!
ARBY
I squirted some Arby's sauce in your mouth! That taste is free! But you'll be back. The key ingredient is crack. Cooked in a tomato base.
JAMES
Get the hell out of my apartment!
ARBY
Fine. Tell me you love me.
JAMES
I will not!
ARBY
I'll say it for you then. Dear Arby, this is James. I love you. I want to kiss your sesames.
JAMES
You're embarrassing yourself.
ARBY
Let's run away together.
JAMES
Why are you comparing us to AIDS? And are you comparing my hunger to AIDS or is my hunger my nervous system? I don't understand this analogy.
ARBY
Your hunger is the dinosaurs grazing in the field. And in the sky is a giant roast beef sandwich trailing behind it a fifty foot tail of Arby's sauce.
JAMES
Listen, this is unacceptable. I know we've grown apart but you can't just barge in here demanding I taste your burgers!
ARBY
THEY ARE NOT BURGERS! They are roast beef SANDWICHES! You have insulted my meat!
JAMES
Stop whisper shouting! You're going to wake up my baby.
Valerie stirs and wakes up a little.
VALERIE
James, why does it smell like a barbecued sock in here?
JAMES
Go back to sleep, baby.
VALERIE
There's a giant hat talking to you.
JAMES
You're dreaming. I hate headwear. I'd never talk to it.
VALERIE
(yawns)
That's true. Goodnight.
Valerie curls up on her side and goes back to sleep. Her nose wrinkles when she breathes in.
ARBY
She doesn't even recognize me.
JAMES
We're different people now, Arby. We enjoy Thai food. We eat a lot of pie. We eat at places labeled "Fusion". Maybe it's time we part...what the crap was that?!
ARBY
I squirted some Arby's sauce in your mouth! That taste is free! But you'll be back. The key ingredient is crack. Cooked in a tomato base.
JAMES
Get the hell out of my apartment!
ARBY
Fine. Tell me you love me.
JAMES
I will not!
ARBY
I'll say it for you then. Dear Arby, this is James. I love you. I want to kiss your sesames.
JAMES
You're embarrassing yourself.
ARBY
Let's run away together.
love arby's.
ReplyDeletelove this.
This is gross. I don't want an Arby's sandwich near my bed.
ReplyDeleteThis is very in tune with my Jack-In-the Box issues. You haven't lived until you're woken by a gigantic bouncing antenna ball with a jaunty yellow cap.
ReplyDelete