Long Overdue Thank You Notes

These are some thank you notes that I've been meaning to write for years.  And since I don't know where any of these people are, I'm asking the internet to deliver them for me.  Thank you, Internet.



THANK YOU,
Bum That Followed Me Into Barnes & Noble And Tried to Fight Me For Looking At Him, 

Thank you for splattering me with bum spit as you yelled at me.  I can’t tell what hepatitis smells like but I bet with one well shot loogie I could have acquired the whole alphabet. I’d bet that you’d be happy to know I’ve stopped looking at people.  I’d bet that you’d be happy but what I should really bet is that you’re lost inside Crazytown, USA, which has a PO Box inside your rotten mind.

THANK YOU,
Sharon, The Girl Who Dumped Me At My Birthday Party At Putt-Putt Golf,

I realize we were only in 4^th Grade and ‘going out’ was as big a commitment as choosing which flavor of Slurpee you wanted but still.  I was in like with you.  And I gave you all of my tickets I won at skeeball.  I wanted to get you that CD clock radio but 4000 tickets takes time and multiple allowances.

Did you know you were going to dump me before you had the cake?  Because if so, that funfetti cake should have tasted like dog sweat.  The only thing good that came out of that was my being close to tears put me in some sort of zen video game mode in which I got the high score on Karate Champ.  So I thank you/hate you.

THANK YOU,
Gay James For Offering To Let Me Be Gay With You If I Ever So Desired,

I’m sure it would have been a gay old time.  I appreciate the offer.  If I had been gay or not weirded out that a guy named James wanted to make out with me which would have been like making out with myself, then who knows?  But it was awesome being introduced as Straight James that whole night.  Like I was a powerful drink you could only order from a smoky bar in some film noir.

THANK YOU,

High School Drama Teacher Who Told Me I Was “Nothing Special”,

Well, look at me now, huh?  I have a blog!  With a medium sized readership!  I have lots of friends that “like” my posts on facebook!  I’ve done things in New York! (mostly eating)  I don’t have diabetes!  I’ve kept my hair!  Steve Buscemi said my name to me once.  My waist size hasn’t changed since high school even if what’s above my waist has fluctuated!  I’ve tried lots of cheeses!  I have an IMDB page (that I need to update)!  My appendix is unbursted! Suck on my specialness, Lady!

THANK YOU,
Mr. R For Driving Me Home In Complete Silence After You Caught Me Sucking Face With Your Daughter,

I don’t know if you were silent because you were being cool or you were crazy pissed and knew you'd just scream at me.  Or you were just shocked at your daughter.  Or you were sad for me because your daughter has a different dude every week and this is like a bad tv show you have to flip past.  Seriously.  I’m so grateful for that silence.  The mile back to my house was the longest thing I've ever experienced.  You could have stabbed me and I would have felt like I deserved it.  And I'm sorry I betrayed your silence by meeting your daughter the next day and making out with her in the woods.