Romance Novel Excerpt #10: Bear Your Heart To Me

Vanessa Lonelyheart and Federal Marshall Johnny Law are holed up in a hole in the earth called a cave.  But as Vanessa struggles with making her next sexy move, something waits in the darkness. A plot point!

Check out previous excerpts from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Chapter 6 - Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Chapter 7 - Two Can Play at Solitaire

Chapter 8 - On the Run From Johnny Law

Chapter 9 - The Hot Hills of Desperation

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 10: Bear Your Heart to Me

Vanessa’s plan seemed foolproof.  Lure Marshall Johnny Law into hot steaminess long enough for her real love, Dexter McChest, to escape further into the nooks and crannies of Desperation Hills.  Lovemaking seemed a small price to pay for his freedom.  She would try not to enjoy it.  But by the hunk of moon rock Johnny was, she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to not not enjoy it.  And the sheep skin blanket Johnny was laying out next to the campfire wasn’t making it any easier.

“This cave should keep us warm.  But you never know up in these hills.  This rain could freeze on us and then we’ll have to resort to body warming.”  said Johnny Law, his voice like a violin made of chocolate.

Vanessa’s luscious lower lip quivered.  “Have you resorted to body warming before?”

“Sure.  Never with a human though. Only with my horse. And once in Hollywood during the Writer’s Strike with an out-of-work Transformer.  I think they’re asexual.”

Johnny Law put his boot up on a rock and peered into the soggy darkness.  She watched his thigh muscles pull at the seams of his Wranglers.   Like two sexy prisoners trying to escape a denim Alcatraz.  She could see them, planning their escape route, maybe they would get his butt involved.  And when they escaped, she’d be waiting at the rocky shore with a boat ready for them to board S.S. …

“No, Vanessa!”  she thought wildly, grabbing the reins of her libido.  “You love Dexter.  You can’t do this.  Even if it’s like bedding Legends-of-the-Fall-era-Brad-Pitt, you’ll always have this between you.  Like a wall of tanned perfect flesh you can never get around.”

“But”, chimed in her libidinous side, “if you don’t do this, as soon as the rain quits he’ll go after Dexter.  Wouldn’t one roll and a bit of post roll cuddling give Dexter enough time?  Didn’t we already decide this?  Why are we going back on this?  I’ve already got all hands on sexy deck.”

And then it happened.  The rain turned to sleet.  The wind bit her wet shirt like a hungry baby and she knew.  The Marshall turned to her.

“We’ve got no choice.  There’s not enough fuel to this fire. I know you’re a lady and I know I’m a man but I also know we’re two humans who need to survive.  And I know I want to be a gentleman but the seethroughness of your shirt makes me want to be wolf, too.  You decide. But I’ll turn around in case you want to get nekkers.”

And just as he turned around, a bear lunged out of the darkness!  And thunder clapped at the same time!  And their horses whinnied!  And her heart went ba-doom-ba-da!  And the bear roared, digging his claws into Johnny's perfect back!  Women all over the globe fainted!

Johnny spun, bloody yet ready to fight. He shouted something to her as he reached for his gun.  She couldn’t hear it over her blood roaring in her ears like a blood waterfall.  The bear knocked the gun from Johnny’s hand.  He reached for his Bowie knife.  And then it was all claw and knife, fist and paw, skin and fur, sex and danger.

The bear saw Vanessa and it lumbered towards her.  It had a bowie knife for an eye now and Johnny on its back, trying to choke it out.  A claw clubbed her across the temple and she went down, down, down. She was falling forever, the cave opening up like a reverse womb. And just as she about to fall into oblivion the room was all thunder, thunder, thunder.

And out of her swollen eye, she saw Johnny.  One arm was bent sideways and he was trying to reload his gun with bloody fingers.  The bear was dragging itself across the floor towards him, breathing heavy.  It swiped at Johnny.  He crumbled. More women fainted.  The bear turned its last eye toward her.  And then its head exploded.

The last thing she saw before she passed out were the barrels of a shotgun swinging next to a cowboy boot, stamped with the insignia of Scottish royalty.

“Dexter…”

NEXT:  LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE MAN